Why Asking for Help Feels Like Failure

For some men, asking for help doesn't feel like a reasonable response to a difficult situation.

It feels like admitting defeat.

You may know intellectually that everyone needs help sometimes. You may even encourage the people you love to seek support when they're struggling.

But when it comes to you, the rules suddenly change.

“I should be able to handle this.”

“Other people have bigger problems.”

“I'll figure it out.”

“I don't want to burden anyone.”

“I just need to get myself together.”

If those thoughts sound familiar, you aren't alone.

Where does this come from?

Many men receive messages about strength from an early age.

Be tough.

Be responsible.

Don't complain.

Take care of yourself.

Protect your family.

Solve problems.

Don't show weakness.

Some of these expectations can build valuable qualities: responsibility, perseverance, independence, and resilience.

But there is a difference between being resilient and believing you are never allowed to need support.

When asking for help becomes evidence that you're failing, self-reliance can become a prison.

The hidden cost of always being the strong one

The person everyone depends on may have the hardest time admitting when he needs someone else.

You may be the one friends call when they need advice.

The one your family counts on.

The one who solves problems at work.

The one who keeps going when everyone else is overwhelmed.

But who do you call when you're the one struggling?

If the answer is “no one,” that may be worth examining.

Carrying everything yourself can eventually lead to exhaustion, resentment, isolation, depression, or emotional disconnection.

And the people around you may not realize how much you're carrying because you've become very good at hiding it.

Shame can make help-seeking especially difficult

Sometimes the barrier isn't pride.

It's shame.

Shame says:

“If they knew how badly I was actually doing, they would think less of me.”

You may worry that your partner will see you differently.

You may fear disappointing your family.

You may be afraid that a therapist will judge you.

You may believe that admitting you're struggling means admitting that you aren't the man you thought you were supposed to be.

But struggling doesn't erase your strengths.

Needing help doesn't erase everything you've accomplished.

What if you don't know how to talk about feelings?

Another reason men may avoid therapy is simple:

They don't know what they're supposed to say.

You may not have a vocabulary for your internal experience.

You may know you're angry but not know whether you're hurt, afraid, disappointed, ashamed, lonely, or overwhelmed.

That's okay.

Therapy isn't an exam you have to prepare for.

You don't have to arrive with a diagnosis, a perfectly organized story, or a list of emotions.

You can start with:

“I don't know what's wrong.”

Or:

“I'm not happy, and I don't know why.”

Or:

“My relationship isn't going well.”

Or:

“I'm angry all the time.”

Or simply:

“Someone told me I should talk to someone.”

Those are legitimate starting points.

Asking for help is not the same as giving up

There is a common misconception that self-reliance means doing everything alone.

But most meaningful accomplishments involve other people.

Athletes have coaches.

Business owners have advisors.

Doctors consult other doctors.

Successful people seek expertise when they need it.

Therapy is another form of support.

The goal isn't for someone else to take responsibility for your life.

The goal is to have another person help you see things that can be difficult to see when you're inside them.

Sometimes you need a place where you don't have to perform

There can be tremendous relief in being somewhere you don't have to be the strong one.

You don't have to reassure anyone.

You don't have to solve the problem.

You don't have to pretend you're okay.

You can be uncertain.

Angry.

Confused.

Tired.

Sad.

Frustrated.

You can say the things you haven't known how to say anywhere else.

That doesn't make you weak.

It makes you honest.

What might change if you stopped treating help as failure?

You might begin to understand why you're unhappy.

You might recognize patterns that are affecting your relationship.

You might realize that depression has been hiding behind exhaustion or anger.

You might understand how childhood experiences shaped the way you handle emotions.

You might become more comfortable communicating what you actually need.

You might discover that some of the things you've been carrying alone don't have to remain yours to carry alone.

You don't have to wait until you're in crisis.

Therapy isn't only for people whose lives are falling apart.

It can also be for the man who knows something isn't working and wants to understand it before it gets worse.

Asking for help doesn't mean you failed at handling your life.

Sometimes it means you decided that your life was important enough to stop struggling through it alone.

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